I often wonder if people think The last baby didn't survive so why would this one when I buy things, or talk about the future. I mean, why wouldn't they, when I think about that kind of thing myself all the time? I wonder if the clothes I've bought, the girl-specific ones, will ever be used. I have sleepsuits and bodysuits, sure, but the older things? Dresses? Will anything over 0-3 months ever be used or will the same things happen again?

I think, however, it's just normal for me to think it, for those that have directly experienced the loss, mothers, fathers, to think it, and it is the job of those closest to us to be optimistic when they know our own optimism is constantly faltering.

Is that controversial to think? That it's their job? Difficult as it may be for them I believe that many underestimate truly how difficult pregnancy after loss is. Many believe that you have a certain time to grieve ad then you ought to be over it, be done with it. But as we know (as you should know by now anyway, reading all of these) that is certainly not the case. As anybody that has suffered a loss like this knows, it can often feel like you are burdening other people with your "prolonged" grief, but then you're shown that it's not.

So these acts of optimism I like to call them, being done by myself is a way to solidify the idea that there is some "light at the end of the tunnel", that there is something to look forward to, even if I don't entirely believe it. When other people do it, however, well, it's almost like validation for me, as if the things I'm thinking, my being optimistic and hopeful, is not far-fetched and is not as ridiculous as it sometimes feels.

Thank you, then, to all of the people that are hopeful with me, and optimistic. Thank you for buying clothes in bigger sizes for the baby under the assumption that she'll get there – because the assumption shouldn't be that she won't. Thank you for being optimistic when I can't be, and thank you for not pulling me up when I say things that aren't – like when I say "last time...". Thanks to all of you that haven't made me try to hide that grief and worry, and force me to pretend that I'm just not worried.


box of baby clothes and toys