So what do I say?

Friday, 8 September 2017

So after one of my last posts about things that people have said to those that have suffered a loss, I've had a fair few comments from people saying that they don't know what they should do. Well here's what you do:

Support. Love.

That's it, really.  Don't say "I'm here if you need me" because a lot of people will, eventually, feel as if other think they SHOULD be over a loss by the time they actually need support (myself, over a year later). People don't like to reach out because they can feel like they're bothering you. And, let's be honest, if someone if suffering with depression that's going to be the number one thing they won't do.



Reach out and sit in the dark with them when they need you to. 

Talk about their child, or pregnancy, as normal – if a pregnancy lasted, you know, five weeks, they still would have got symptoms of it so it is nice to be included with things like "did you get that?". Ask questions.

If their child lived for three months, they still know what it's like to have a fussy baby so like "what did you do when so-and-so wouldn't sleep?"

 ––– but that's me, I know some people would prefer not to think about it at all, but it makes me feel 1000x better knowing that other people remember their physical, actual, real life existence, not just as a "past" but someone that changed the (or my at least) world and with a lasting impact.

Something that gave them insight into a new world that they didn't have before.

I may not have a baby now, but I've given birth! I can talk about that. I breastfed. I formula fed. I used buses with a pram. I did all the same things that anybody else did.
I got morning sickness, I got pregnancy symptoms.

Sometimes we don't need people trying to pull us up and out, we need someone to sit with us and be sad with us. We need someone to say

"I'm sorry, that fucking sucks." – do you want a cup of tea?
                                                                            – do you want a cup of coffee?
                                                                            – is there anything I can get you?

Bring cake. Talk about the pregnancy. Talk about the baby, the child. Use their name.

In the early days it sort of annoyed me when people said his name, I felt as if it was something just for me, and not for the tongues of others, but as time as passed I realised how good it was to hear it, as if he was still here, it solidified his presence then (and in the same breath his absence). But now more the former.

Don't say anything stupid, really. Be empathetic and compassionate. It's not really that hard, is it?



(thanks to @muggedoffmother on instagram for re-bringing this video to my attention, this is very much what I, and others, want of people)

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